If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
