I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
