Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
