i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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