as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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