It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
50% drunk capacity currently
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
