mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
