I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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