I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I checked into jail on foursquare
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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