Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
