he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
