i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
