I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize