Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
