Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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