it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So much rum. So many feels.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
