I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
