My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
