My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
