do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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