Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
True strength comes from lack of pants
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
