I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize