Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I faked an abortion last night.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
