i think my tv is drunk
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
