I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
