I don't usually arrange sex via text message
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
