Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
