Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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