you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
