So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
