Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
