Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
