biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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