i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
