I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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