I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
