just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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