I wish my penis had an off switch
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
