I need help removing her.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
