if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
