i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
