best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
