I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
