I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize