i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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