your parents love me but you hate me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
