Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just cropdusted the office
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
