Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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