this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize