if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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