There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Randomize
