I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
