So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
