Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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