I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
