so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
