You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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