my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
