Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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