I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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