masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
