I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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