i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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