I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
