Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I don't deserve a penis
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
